summer

no-love thing

sometimes I wonder what happened to me so I can’t find any feeling deep down in my heart. I love my friends, sure I do love my family, but at the same time I stay alone somehow. Some people told me I’ve created a fortress in my mind, so I could protect my gentle feelings. I wish it was true, coz otherwise I should go and visit psychiatrist. 

Ever since I was 17 I screwed up every relationship I had just because I didn’t feel for anyone I was dating with or having sex. and it’s not like I can’t trust anyone, coz I can, really. I’m an open book for people who want to know me better. Do they? 

Did anyone of them ever love me? No. So why should I?

P.S. yeah, being loved by people makes me love them to.

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love-thing

I’ve just finished the “what belongs together” book from Markus Feldenkirchen(I bought it in Germany this winter so it is actually called ‘was zusammengehoert’ ) and it feels like I was reading about my own old love-story.just so weird.

the thing is the main character has held this love through his whole life(he was always waiting for this feeling to come back some day, but i wasn’t).

yeah, I must confess I really loved that guy, I was obsessed by feelings, but now I’m not 17 anymore and I realize, our relationship were never meant to last. So I’ve moved on a long time ago and now I see it as life-experience, but this book has touched something inside of me, something I miss now. I mean this feeling. love so it’s called, not really the kiss-and-flowers-and-sweets stuff, but understanding. I’m not really a drama-queen, honestly, I’m looking for some kind of soulmate who would care for me and whom I would care for in return.

So don’t be mad at me if I don’t like you or if I like you a lot. There’s always a battle between passion and logic in my head.

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love etc.

each day it gets clearer and clearer. i’m not in love. but I’m fine. so let it be.

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so sweet^^

lolasatsuma:

(Source: freshpumpkinpasties)

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Via Call me Raccoon. Shifty Raccoon.

currently unemployed

all these two weeks I was looking for a job i could fulfill.  but I’ve never realized it could be so complicated. 99% of the employers are interested in the full-time workers and and several companies who’s interested in part-timers want me to work in the morning or rejected my resume. The day before yesterday I finally found one, which seemed interesting to me and suddenly they asked me to come for an interview, but after I got there(it took 1,5 hour to get there, actually) I found a small office in the underground without any ventilation, where I was supposed to work 8 hours til late in the evening. So I’m about to refuse now.

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nice day.

we were downtown, just walking around the Red Square, which was actually fenced because of the military music festival, so we couldn’t find the right way to the metro station in the evening. at days like this i always have a strange feeling like I’m a part of this city, I hear it’s soul whispering to me, telling me to stay, to spend the whole night walking down the illuminated prospects.

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